Going to the Dogs by Pam Steadman Going to the Dogs concerns an older sassy and brassy elitist and an aging bohemian vegan coming to grips with life in a 55+ retirement Mecca of Discontent. *“Irving,” a family dog, returns as deceased husband, Len, in this dark yet ridiculous comedy of lost desires, regrets, and reincarnation!
SYLVIA: (to Irving) Speak, dammit! Tell Diane who you REALLY are! You want in on the conversation? Then bring it on, Len! Come on…I dare ya!
(Diane’s jaw drops and her hand goes over her heart in awe at what she is seeing and hearing. She now grabs the bottle of wine and is swigging it)
IRVING: Ya should have seen Syl when we eloped during the war. Best broad, mother and grandmother I ever run across.
SYLVIA: Will you please stop referring to me as “grandmother?”
IRVING : What the hell would you call yourself then? We’ve got eleven grandkids for crisake!
DIANE : (Staring down at the dog and backing away) OH MY GOD! Len…is that you?
A Taxing Experience by Harriet Schley: Two women learn something about each other as they conflict in a last-minute showdown as April 15 draws near.
LL: I know, I go through this every year. Well, here’s my two W-2s and here’s my last pay stub from the other job.
HB: Oh, they didn’t give you a W-2?
LL: No, they’re out of business. But all the information is on the pay stub.
HB: Ma’am, I know what is on there.
LL: Look, just call me Lulu. Everybody does, from my two names, Louisa Lewis, get it? Lord knows what my parents were thinking of.
HB: OK, Lulu. I can certainly do this return. I’ll have to do a substitute W-2 for that third job. But we won’t be able to file it now.
LL: Why not? I need the money tonight.
HB: We can’t file returns with the 4852 until after February 15.
LL: So what’s a 4852?
HB: That’s the substitute W-2 form.
LL: Helen, stop throwing numbers at me. I need you to throw a check at me. Tonight.
A Slippery Slope by P, A, Wray: A report on the habits of the Layson Albatross go awry as a teacher at a conservative private school tries to mediate between two dueling students.
MISS JOHNSON: Davy, it’s not like you to cut in front of others.
DAVY: Well, I think it would be good for me to go next. My report is on the Laysan too, and - -
MISS JOHNSON: - - Davy, I told the class I didn’t want any duplicate reports; I wanted something different from each of you.
DAVY: Believe me, mine’s different.
MISS JOHNSON: If it’s only going to be a slight variation of Beth’s,
I don’t - -
DAVY: - - It’s not a slight variation.
MISS JOHNSON: Davy, I should just make you do another report on another seabird.
DAVY: But my report is different from Beth’s; much different.
MISS JOHNSON: How different could it be?
DAVY: Well, at least a third of the Laysan are Lesbians; Beth didn’t report that, did she?
BETH: (shouting from her seat) Oh, gross, the Laysan are not Lesbians! I didn’t read anything about that, Miss Johnson; how could he say - -
Cell by Bonnie Culver:
Technology confounds communications among four four inter-related people.
SHEILA: I promised Michael we’d get out from under any expenses on Mom’s house. You did list it?
LISA: (Quietly) Of . . . course.
SHEILA: (Not believing her) Lisa, did you list the house?
SHEILA: With whom?
LISA: Century 21…..(Lying) With a . . . . Jeffrey Dahmer.
SHEILA: You listed Mom’s house with a serial killer?
LISA: No . . . well . . .
SHEILA: Meanwhile, we’re paying on the mortgage. Did you do at least do what Aunt Dorie told you?
LISA: (Squirming) No . . . that sounded too hokey.
SHEILA: St. Joseph is not hokey. It works, Lisa. We sold two houses that way. In three days.
LISA: But burying somebody in the back yard? Don’t you think…'
Christmas in Montana by Nikos Vlachos: Students in a one-room schoolhouse confront political correctness
at Christmas time.
SWEET PEA: But it’s cold out there, and Fred’ll freeze and break into little pieces.
MISS RUGAMYER: Then put Fred inside the door for now. I just want him out of my classroom. Anymore weapons? (SWEET PEA exits, then returns.)
HANK: Just our pocket-knives, but those ain’t…I mean aren’t weapons, Miss Rugamyer.
MISS RUGAMYER: Okay, then keep the pocket-knives in your pockets. Now that we’ve cleared this up, let’s rehearse some songs for the upcoming Christmas Program. We have only two weeks to prepare. (CYNTHIA raises her hand.) I understand some of you will be playing instruments and others will be singing or doing both? Yes, Cynthia?
CYNTHIA: Ms Merker-Chavez said that we should be politically correct and call it a Holiday Season Program; not a Christmas Program.